Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
