I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
sarcasm needs its own font
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
