So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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