MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
