Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
