it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
