At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize