I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
