this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
