she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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