can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
