hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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