I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
