Betty ford says i'm here all night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
