I faked an abortion last night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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