I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
