I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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