why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
