k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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