cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
