chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize