Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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