So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
