There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
