did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
