I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
