On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
