Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
