Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
