i permit you to call me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
