I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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