Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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