they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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