I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
