At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
