I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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