I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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