My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
