my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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