rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
