Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
