the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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