I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
