just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
