we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
