I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
