it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
