'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
