i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
