i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize