Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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