when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
