I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
