He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Someone came in the potted fern
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
