so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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