chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
