she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
